foot steps

The pathway has been worn down by my constant pacing these past few nights.  My mind is reeling and doesn't seem to stop. God has seem distant when it comes to certain issues in my life, or maybe I have been so loud I can't hear God speak.  Whatever the case, its not good.  I pray for peace, but it doesn't seem to let up, I try to make the right choices, and they seem to keep me in one place, and I feel utterly stuck.

The medication is certainly helping with my anxiety, however it just clams me down, and sometimes puts me to sleep, but I know that when I wake up they will be there.  I'm tired of running, but at the same time when I turn to face one issue, any choice I make seems to be the wrong one.  I go to prayer and God seems to like to take things slow, which upsets me more and I panic more. I know He is teaching me a lesson, but frankly He needs to hurry up. Though the things He has moved on are GREATLY appreciated and powerful, I guess I just wish things could be set like some other peoples lives I know.

I seek comfort more and more with objects from my childhood which is ironic because things with family have been so twisted.  My parents and I are not speaking to each other because of a big fight, school has been a stress and finding ways of how I'm going to pay, where I'm going to live day to day, money to buy food, even the stress of buying gas. Thank GOD litterly for Krista and Andy who have been more then kind to open their home up to me, but something has to be done, and everything I had tired is not working....sigh.


Speaking of Andy and Krista, I LOVE them to death! Andy has been sooo good with me staying here...lol...he just now scared the crap out of me and got his kicks for the night (the punk). And the kids, they can be a handful, and despite my tiredness and annoyance some times, I wouldn't have it any other way! THEY ARE AWESOME! love those little monsters to death!

God is good, and wants good things for his children, even if that takes a while and some hurdles to overcome, I'm learning though....right?

Miss

I miss him, and I know I'll never talk to him again......why does there have to be days or nights like this.....

for you

Another day has gone by
secretes have gone with the setting sun
Your love was fleeting
Scattered by the shifting wind.

Summer quickly turned, bring its fierce storms
And now ...

Song List

Falls on me by Fuel
Invincible by Machine Gun Kelly
Whos taking you home tonight by TRAPT

change

Something has to change.....something about me, or them, but something needs to change...and Its hard to make that change, to go in a complete opposite direction of the direction you were going in.....sigh...

One Night With A King...

Father of Esther: [in Esther's memories] Happy birthday, Hadassah! 
Young Esther: [looking at her gift] A stone ball? 
Father of Esther: [laughing] Remember it is the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the honor of kings to seek it out. 
Mother Of Esther: [as Hadassah open the stone ball and sees the necklace] It's from the promise land. Your great grandmother brought it with her. 
Father of Esther: And like you, it's true treasure is etched with in. 
[holding the necklace to the candle as the stars appear] 

Smile....

I hurt....but I'm strong.
I hurt...but I will fight
I hurt...but I won't give up
I hurt...but I have one person who will never turn their back on me,
I hurt...but I have one person who loves me despite my flaws.

Love

Dear Papa,

This is not what I had pictured. I know that your plan is not mine, but why paint so much pain into the picture. Can't you see my heart is smashed, that I'm tired and weary. That I love him and don't know how to feel any more. I gave my all AGAIN, I showed him that I cared, that I love him, and I feel that this is what I get when I do that.

Papa, I know that I'm not the first and certainly will not be the last to go through this, but he doesn't make sense to me, saying the sweat things he says to me and I can hear that he really meant them, but then turns around and does the complete opposite. He is so kind, Papa you know him because he is your child, you formed him.  You and I both know that he isn't a bad, heartless man.

Papa, because I can't talk to him or see him, will you please guard him? Please protect his heart, his mind, his soul. Give him peace, and love...the kind you show me. I can't bare the thought of not seeing him for eternity, so Papa will you please continue to chase after him, and when he finds you engulf him with every good essence of YOU.

 Papa, you are the God of impossible things, your love knows no limits and Grace is given freely, if we are meant to be, please show me in tangible ways, you know how to talk to me, but if not, help me to be still and know you are God.

You know my heart and you know how deeply I care for this man. I would take his place in Hell if that meant he would go to Heaven.  Please, heal both of us, protect both of us, repair our friendship, and show us your Will.

I love you Papa,
Cassie

Faith- Intro

Faith does not operate in the realm of the possible. There is no need for God in that which is humanly possible. Faith begins where man's power ends.

Tears

I just want to be loved for who I am and be forgiven for mistakes I have made. I long for his arms to wrap around me and whisper (forever) and mean it!

Redeemer, Lover

God is the author of Salvation, with love so deep that he stooped down and gave His son.  Jesus was filled with such compassion that he laid His life down for a condemned, sick, sinful people. And because of that reason, because of His death, I am made free.  I will never cease to pray for you and never cease to love you. May you one day know the deep love and peace He has to offer.

The Unsung Hero

For a while now I have always loved Ester.  I admired her courage and passion for her faith.  I admired her determination to save her people, even though she was going up against her husband.  I also respected her for hiding God in her heart, to the point that her husband (a non-believer), was intrigued with her God and wanted to find out more about Him.

But tonight, though I have read this book many times, thanks to a friend, I have learned something new, something I NEVER even saw.  I have a new found respect for Queen Vashti . 

For those who do not know Vashti’s story, she was the Queen of Xerxes, king of Persia.  One night he held a great banquet where only the finest food and wine was served.  As the night went on, so did the drinking, to the point that the King himself became intoxicated.  The King to summoned her and asked her to make her display herself in front of everyone (all men).  When the servants came to get Vashti, Vashti refused to go to the King.  

She refused to go to the king!?  That took some guts, I mean; a Persian King is revered and feared! His word was final; he could honor someone one moment and in one breath condemn that same man to death for one “step out of line”.  Vashti had guts; she refused to be paraded around so men could look at her in ways only her husband should look at her.   

Though the outcome was not “happily ever after”, she stood up for herself.  Now the situation I find myself in right now, I hope I’m not forgotten and NOT missed (and that he keeps me), but I consider Vashti’s courage to stand up for herself.  She knew what she was worth and to have hundreds of men look at her in a manner that was inappropriate while her husband encouraged it…she was not ok with it, and would not stand for it….

So Vashti, Cheers to you!! You have one chapter (not even that)  devoted to you in the whole book of Ester and the Bible……..your courage is noted and remembered…at least by this women.  

Flying...

So I feel what I'm about to say justifies why I'm watching a certain movie...and then I would like to talk about a book....

so...

I am watching Tinker Bell.  Now before you knock her down, lets remind ourselves that she can fly and we can't.  So many nights I've had dreams of spreading out my arms and jumping from a building and just gliding through the clouds.  Sometimes I'm running and just leap into the air....I LOVE those dreams.  Carefree and I could go ANYWHERE in the world, though most times I'm running away from something or somebody. But, has anyone else had that feeling? The feeling of just wanting to run away from your worries and taking flight?

My other thoughts stem from C.S. Lewis's book "The Horse and His Boy"
Now this book, I've never understood....I've only read it once because it has bored me...However, in the past week it has given new meaning for me.  As I re-read/listen to this story I am starting to pick up on somethings that I've never seen before.

What I mean is...The book is about longing....longing for a place that is much better, not filled with pain, worry, fear, tears....a place for glory, peace, joy and probably many more emotions I've never experienced before....I'm eager to hear more from this book....

On that note...I think I might start writing some of my books I've wanted to write....hmmm...not sure.

Traveler

A sea of strangers, the many people I have met along the way. But none, none like you. You have held my gaze through this dense fog. At times you have blended in, hiding your face, and then suddenly appear, like a ghost from the past and a dream from the future. 

My fellow traveler who are you? Your striking similarities are hard to push aside. As I walk faster you begin to blend in again, and so very rarely do you look back and when you do, such sadness in your eyes. However, there are those glimpses of light. Such brilliant light, a smile plays on your lips as if to ask me to dance a long with you, and then you're gone. Most times, my fellow traveler when I see you, confusion paints your face. You walk as if in a trance, not knowing to turn right or left, or to go straight ahead.

A sea of black and white, like flowers on a blank canvas, they disappear and come back. But you, you my fellow weary traveler, when you come out from hiding I see colors, so bright one cannot describe. Faces aghast with just one look, astonished by the striking similarity of you and I.

I have met many of strangers along the way, but none, none like you.

Dance

I am learning how to dance.....
in the rain.......
admits the lightning,
not jumping
when thunder arises
and dreaming of the
rainbow of promise.
This man who possess
more beauty my eyes
have ever beheld 
is taking my hand in his....
brushes off the dirt,
strokes my cheeks,
cresses me gently and
reminds me.
I take one step out.....and
one step in
He spins me and a thrill, a rush......
for only a moment
But leaves me breathless,
He brings me in close, 
so close I can smell His sent,
Staring into His eyes,
the love is too profound, 
something my soul has searched for
We move together and I feel secure,
and I am lost in the rhythm.

Play...

In the silence he whispered my name....play music for me my child!
In the silence He called me His very own.
In the silence where no one else was around He sat with me and asked that I sit with Him.
In the silence I played for Him, and played for myself, and in that time He smiled down...
In the silence our spirits danced to the melody of my piano,
In the silence He whispered to me....well done my child....well done 

Simple

Simple
Has many colors
Found in many facets of life
Open and turn around
And maybe you might
Find Simple in his eyes

Simple
Sometimes fragile
Like holding onto sand
Windblown tossed
Across many a horizon
Saturated in sunset, Simple finds its rest 

Simple 
Maps out the constellations
Spinning planets in due course
Sending stars flying
Wishing Simple to stay

Simple 
Crashes with the tides great thunder 
Baring seas hidden treasure
Maybe lapping at a seashore wonder
With lighthouse pleading warning
Guiding Simple on its way

Tonight...

This has me up tonight, waiting to be revealed tonight....
This has me up tonight, beating its endless rhythm tonight....
This has me up tonight, teaching its lessons again tonight.....
This has me up tonight, asking and hoping I will heed tonight....


It rolls around my head tonight, making its home in me tonight.....
It unleashes all my fears tonight, consuming all my dreams tonight...
It takes away my light tonight, casting shadows of doubt tonight.....
It gives and mostly takes tonight, leaving me empty and lonely tonight.....


I wonder if it will allow spring tonight, green growth filled with life tonight....
I wonder where the beauty is tonight, when fireflies will lite up the dark tonight.....
I wonder if forgiveness will enter trembling hearts tonight, or will it fade with the setting sun tonight...
I wonder if pain will sting tonight or if sunshine will vanquish pain's poison tonight....